Thank you for purchasing the Rock Concert Instruction Manual. Now you can join the thousands of other satisfied rock stars who have used these helpful guidelines to create the perfect rock concert experience. Before we begin, here are a few warm-up exercises. Start by loosening your pelvis. The pelvis has a rich tradition of movement throughout rock history- you will need to find the pelvis movement that is right for you. Once your pelvis is sufficiently loosened, you should start to move it in a pleasing manner. Now expand your movement exploration to include the rest of your body, and at the same time build a repertoire of choreographed dance moves. Choreography is one of the best ways to divert attention from short-comings in other areas, such as singing or instrument playing. Do not worry about how becoming fatigued from dancing will hinder your ability to sing or play your instrument accurately. Thanks to recent advancements in backing tracks and lip synching technology, today’s rock stars can focus their attention exclusively on choreography without having to worry about minor details such as hitting the right notes, or expressing emotion.
Now let’s begin by reviewing some of the basic rock concert movements you will want to perform with your audience.

Rock concert movement number one- the basic head bob.
Rock concert movement number two- the one armed fist pump.
Rock concert movement number three- the up and down jumping motion.
Rock concert movement number four- the behind the head leg stretch.
Rock concert movement number six- the two armed upward thrust with yell.
Rock concert movement number eight- the two armed side-to-side wave.
Rock concert movement number ten- getting a closer look at the audience.
Rock concert movement number fifteen- bringing a guest vocalist on stage.
Rock concert movement number nineteen- the unexpected cover song.
Rock concert movement number twenty three- getting the audience to sing along.
Rock concert movement number thirty four- getting squashed into the security barrier by the crowd.
Rock concert movement number thirty nine- the stage dive.
Rock concert movement number forty one- saying hello to the people in the cheap seats.
Rock concert movement number forty eight- introducing the band.
Rock concert movement number fifty six- bringing an audience member on stage.
Rock concert movement number sixty nine- bringing an obscure band no-one’s heard of onto the stage.
Rock concert movement number seventy one- destroying the stage.
Rock concert movement number seventy eight- the fake ending.
Rock concert movement number two hundred and thirty seven- taking the audience on a Jungian journey into the collective unconscious by using the shadow as a metaphor for the primal self that gets repressed by the modern persona, and also by using an underground setting and a labyrinth office design to represent both the depths of the psyche and the dungeon-like isolation of our increasingly mechanistic society, which prevents people from finding satisfying work or meaningful connections with others.

Now you are playing the role of “rock star”, it is important that you develop an iconic rock persona. You can start by altering your physical appearance in ways to help you stand out. You will also need to work on your personality- if you do not have a lot of natural charisma, you can compensate with a descriptive name, such as “The Edge”, “Slash”, or “Scary Spice”. Now you have a smash hit, the cutest of you can branch out in pursuit of a solo project, exploring choreography that none of the rest of the group can perform. It is important that you get back together though and perform the choreography that first got you noticed.

Once you are an icon in your field, it is important that you pay tribute to some of the great rock legends that came before you. This type of gesture will create the illusion that you are still humble, and will serve as a pre-emptive strike towards anyone who realises what a callous and delusional ass you have become.

Alternatively, you can choose to die young and become a rock legend. In order for this to happen, there are a number of criteria you will need to meet- your death will need to be either dramatic or unusual; people will need to appreciate your music more after your death; your fellow bandmates will make the decision not to continue performing with the same band name; the rights to your songs will be bought by someone with more money than sense who gets involved in a damaging and expensive lawsuit many years later, preferably involving young children and drugs. Here are a few acceptable rock star deaths that you may wish to perform:

-Drowning in a pool of vomit surrounded by prostitutes and pills of an indeterminate origin.
-Choking on edible underwear.
-A dramatic car crash, paving the way for years of tasteless jokes about how your last hit was a brick wall/another vehicle/a sycamore.
-Falling off a hotel balcony while throwing a television set onto the plaza below.
-Getting impaled on another band member’s instrument.
-Attempting to fly off a third storey balcony during a drug-related hallucination.

Now you’ve reached the great mosh pit in the sky, it is advisable that you appear to your fans in dreams or drug-related hallucinations. This will allow you to monitor the process of the lawsuit between your long-term partner and a younger, more attractive bit of skirt after you leave your entire estate to the latter as opposed to the former. This will also fuel conspiracy theories that you were actually from another planet. These theories will become more popular as more people claim to have seen you in the street, or when someone sells a cheese toastie bearing your image on an Internet auction site for thousands of dollars.